I woke up after a couple of hours of sleep and try as I did to regain that coma like sleep, it eluded me. My mind was running so I searched for the thing tickling the back of my mind and when I had located it I found it to be heartfelt sadness.
A friend was steady on my mind, earlier in the evening, and I reached out. The thing that was running through and tickling my mind was the expression of heartbreak that was shared and the sadness over love touched, felt, challenged and perhaps also lost (but maybe not – God is the Able One).
Luv
See, I believe amorous love exists on two levels; a) being “in love” and b) “loving.” I view being “in love” to include having blinders on and being totally and completely unable to acknowledge or even see the imperfections of one’s beloved. I view “loving” to include being totally and completely aware of our beloved’s imperfections and choosing to commit and continue despite them.
I have felt both types of love for another and would prefer “loving” to being “in love” any day. Being “in love,” in my world is being out of control! All that rapid heartbeat stuff; silly grinning, sweating hands and total blinders secured in place over my eyes and that eternal hope screen locked over my heart equates to a lot of stress and drama for me. The first time I felt this type of love (19 years old and too young and dumb to be loose in the world) I didn’t even know what it was until I explained the symptoms to my pastor and he said, “oh baby you in love.”
Ahhhhh, but “Loving,” in my world, is being chosen. “Loving” comes with the rapid heartbeat, silly grinning, and sweaty hands but reasoning remains intact. The little idiosyncrasies exhibited by the other is weighed and measured and a type of molding dance takes place to determine what can be changed, and what causes you intense discomfort or what you just dislike about the other (John Gottman calls this perpetual problems – and they would exist regardless of who the other was) but can still be withstood. In other words, the perpetual problem isn’t a deal breaker.
Slowly, the two begin to adjust to the realization that the other is and isn’t all they originally thought but the mix is such they determine they can continue as one and the commitment is born.
You know that type of love that although we may have disagreements and at times my feelings may be hurt; I will never (okay I’m stretching it here but you get my point) have to wonder if the action or inaction was meant to jack my mind or destroy my soul. You know, like in the infamous words of LL Cool J (shut up – the break between me and LL is a whole other blog), “back to back we can get each other through it.”
The kind of love where not only is he watching my back; he also protects my heart. Of course all that watching and protecting comes with a certain amount sacrifice and although sacrificing can be rough; I never ask for more than I myself am willing to give. AND HE WILL BELIEVE, TRUST AND KNOW THIS AS A PART OF OUR TRUTH.
I believe in this love. I seek this love. I want this love.
Heartbreak
But maybe heartbreak isn’t the response I actually got when I reached out. Maybe it was my imagination, but I thought I detected raw grief in the words sent via text.
Then again, maybe it was just being able to sympathize because I too have suffered cracks and breaks in my heart as I struggled with growing and expanding and ending love relationships. I remember a time of being so hurt I actually cried in my sleep.
Some of what I’ve learned
· Forever is not an infinite amount of time
· It doesn’t matter if I ever catch you doing what I think you may be doing – the question is whether or not my needs are being met
· To be careful in how I leave the relationship – because although I may not be able to stay I don’t want to jack his mind or destroy his soul
· I must focus on the gains despite the loss
· Sometimes, I can forgive (maybe even LL Cool J - smile)
· I’m available to love for this moment in time or for all time
· I can never love you more than I love me
I couldn’t answer the whys or how-comes for my friend. Yes, I understand the pain involved in absorbing into oneself the belief that one’s beloved doesn’t love you; but I don’t understand how to reconcile to this gracefully. When your world feels like it’s being torn apart – who really wants to hear that feeling abandoned, betrayed and misused by one’s beloved usually isn’t really about what we did or didn’t do; it’s their issue.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be able to fix this thing for my friend; to ease or totally remove the pain; to create a safe passage to the end of this twisty turn life has thrown.
But, in reality, to do so would be like trying to help the caterpillar become a butterfly. As we now know, the struggle of the caterpillar enhances the beauty of the butterfly and any interference will prevent the caterpillar from becoming all it was made to be.
The Lord will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail
Isaiah 58:11
No comments:
Post a Comment