HOLD ON

For my sisters that have been abused by the hands and actions of the one that promised to have your back through sickness/health; in good times and bad.  I applaud your courage for not accepting less than your beloved’s best.

There are times in every life, I believe, that an individual is faced with so many obstacles that they just feel like quitting.  It’s a time when the individual has done all they know that is right to do but evil appears to prevail but remember... 

 … for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.  Matthew 5:45b (KJV)

I don’t know if you know the story of Job or not but the oppressions can leave a person feeling a lot like Job did.  But Job was a very interesting person in that God Himself had complete confidence in his ability to weather the storm. 

I’ve had some severe storms in my life.  I can honestly share that I didn’t do anywhere near as well as Job did.  There were even times, while I was inside the storms that I didn’t understand the total cost of the fight I was in and wasn’t always able to recognize myself in the person wading through the debris of my storms. 

Some years ago, I adopted one of Job’s sayings.  When asked how I’m doing, if the day isn’t all I’d hoped/I want to whine and complain (oddly enough, I still get a fair amount of this done despite what I’m about to tell you)/I’m angry/I’m hurting/tired/sad, etc… I will say, “holding on!”  I imagine that is what Job is saying in passage 14:14b (All the days of my struggle I will wait.  Until my change comes. NASB).  I’m holding on until my change comes because I know things will change at some point. 

But, the question, during these bleak times in one’s life, becomes how is one to hold on?  How does one keep breathing, moving, working, raising children to be all they can be, maintain personal relationships with family and friends, keep paying the bills, maintain sanity – HEAL- and not become the worse thing they’ve known; like their enemy? 

How does one rebuild a life that has been torn down by one that was to love, provide and protect?  How does one maintain when the system that was supposed to protect turns the opposite way and claims to have issued truth, fairness and justice?  How does one reconcile the loss one’s child to CRAZY and beat back the fear of what CRAZY will do the mind of said beloved child?    

How does one continue without growing bitter and resentful; without allowing such circumstances to twist and change the very core of themselves?  See, this is the kind of stuff that can corrupt the soul in such a way that even the very body twists and becomes crippled under the stress of such internal weight. 

BETRAYL is a heavy, heavy, heavy thing to digest.

Please hear what I have to say.  Sister, I’m talking to you.   Although you feel all alone – you are not alone.  I know you’d just like to disappear.  I see you - I won’t; I can’t let you disappear.   Although you’ve tried all you know to try – you’ve got to keep pressing.

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;  2 Cor 4:8-9

You are so close to being clear of this thing that has consumed so much of your joy, hope, inner peace and self love.  You are so close to being free of this thing that often leaves you feeling shame and self loathing when you think about all you and yours have been through but hear me… don’t take the invitation to re-engage.    

You think we don’t know?  You think we don’t understand?  That is so far from the truth; so many women; live with and have survived like circumstances – we do understand. 

You’ve got to keep pressing.

Don’t operate out of the fear that has been built into your days and nights.  Don’t take the bait made up of your deepest desires.  Stay your course – you are so close now to reclaiming what has been stolen from you; peace of mind. 

I know the questions you ask yourself as you’re tossed and turned by this ordeal.  And, perhaps on some levels, you may have some heavy feelings of guilt.    But that can’t be your focus now.  Stay the course - sister, I’m talking to you.  Please hear what I have to say. 

 

…till I die I will not remove mine integrity from me.  Job 27:5b (KJV)

Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee; 1 Chron 28:20b (KJV)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNDnF7QBO-g

Black and Blue

 

INFLUENCE

A few years ago, I got very interested in our Family Tree.  I had just begun to realize how short time is and wanted to have a concrete way of making sure my grandchildren and their children and their children beyond would “know us.”  See, this is the thing, we’re not remembered beyond two (2) generations.

I even joined a family tree site.  I actually found a cousin we’d lost touch with many years ago.  All I really had to go on was a nick name that I had tracked down via conversations with family when I was trying to figure out why we had the same people on our trees.  “Who your people is?”  I got a real kick out of calling this grown up the quirky nick name until I was told to take it easy on that name - smile.   

During the summer of 2007, my baby cousins (I’m the oldest everything in this branch of the family so all of my cousins are my baby cousins) hosted a “family reunion.”  When the call to eat FINALLY happened (I love my people but we were a-feared of dying from hunger), I watched waves and waves of “family” make their way to the shelter house for the prayer and the meal.  It was mentioned several times how as a family we hadn’t had such a family gathering since my Grandmother died.  All I could think about was how pleased my Grandmother would have been to see her “family” together and having a good time!      

The following year, another cousin (from the Denver branch of the family) began throwing a lovely little three day family get-together.  The thing about this get together is that it is a three day or so event and she won’t accept financial contributions.  I can’t imagine how many months in advanced she begins making plans and gathering items; but the food is excellent and plentiful and so is the welcome! 

She creates these cute little agendas and my mother keeps time (just to get my cousin going).  She turns her home over several times to fit the themes of the daily activities to include a carnival for the children.  They play games and win prizes and then go to the “store” with their tickets.   And it is an event that my nieces talked about all year; “remember when we went to our big (meaning older) cousins and the party?”   

This gift she grants us gives us a moment in time to get caught up and to just enjoy being together.  We get to see how the children are growing; hear about their successes and to check out how each other is aging (smile).  No drama; lots of laughs; lots of jokes; and a fair share of lies – in the name of kinship.  But I digress. 

Her mother is the older sister of my Grandmother.  In fact, my Grandmother was the baby.  My Grandmother was many things and perhaps the best I can describe my connection to her is to say my life has been less bright without her. 

I miss her and wish she could see my grandchildren and my little nieces and nephew.  I think she would have gotten some really good laughs just looking at and knowing them. 

My Grandmother had an exceptional gift.  She had a way of making all who knew her feel very special.  I can remember feeling sorry for my relatives at her service because I just knew I was her absolute favorite.  Imagine my surprise when I learned everyone there thought they were the center of her universe!

I haven’t made a great deal of progress on the family tree.  I’m seeking photos and stories.  Those old enough to remember the stories – really can’t always understand my interest.  I have sister/friends that can trace their family history back lots and lots of years – well beyond the two generations.  I want to be able to do the same thing. 

This is my bottom line: my Grandmother and her three sisters (affectionately called the Light & Dark Sisters by myself) have influenced my life and I want my grandchildren and their children and beyond to know them too.    So, one day I was talking with my mother and she said I will have to be the one to write the stories since cooperation, the way I define it, isn’t happening.  (I wonder what my Great-Aunties will think about me being behind the pen of their “stories” – smile.)  The longer I thought about what my mother said, the more sense it made to me. 

I want my children and grandchildren and those after them to know that my grandmother had a fantastic sense of humor and she would share with me how she made decisions so I could figure out how to solve my own problems.  She read me stories giving each character different voices –further igniting my imagination.  She also was an excellent cheer leader and always seemed to know what to say to me just when I thought I would fail. 

I want my children and grandchildren and those after them to know that my Aunt Frankie is my good friend and taught me how to cook certain things despite popular opinion about my ability to cook at all.  She even left me and my Aunt Ruby in her house with all of her pots and pans (knowing our kitchen repetitions – and we did burn up a few pots). 

And, after my Grandmother died, she knew how to draw me out of myself (I was struggling with maintaining my relationships because I had determined that everyone was going to try and leave me).  She and I use to have coffee and pastries on the weekends.  She called me and told me that she’d had her bath and her coffee and her pastries but still found that something was missing from her morning – “I’m missing you.” 

I want my children and grandchildren and those after them to know that my Aunt Laura reminds me of my Grandmother.  Anytime I get to spend in her presence gives me a sense of peace.  I can share my poems and writings with her and she has granted (trusted me) my request for a copy of her poems.  And when my family has hurt me in a deep way, I know I can share this pain with her without fear of judgment or reprisal.  I’ve also been honored to have her share some of her life’s journey with me. 

I want my children and grandchildren and those after them to know that my Aunt Ruby was a real trip.  My relationship with her didn’t begin to blossom until she was 65 years old and if she was “much too much” at 65 – I hate to think about what she was like at 45 y/o or even 25 y/o!  But the truth is she was my Auntie - which has become a standing joke between me and my family and I miss her very much.  I get to see her style and mannerisms in my nieces and my granddaughter and the truth being told – anytime you see me with some BLING-BLING on – I’m having a “Ruby Newborn” day (I’ve even convinced my co-workers to know this theme). 

And I can always count on one of my cousins to send me a blast from the past from time to time for which I can become the “keeper” over for my children and grandchildren and those after them.  So, at the very least, the influence of Light & Dark Sisters will be communicated beyond two generations. 

The Sisters!  None of us had seen this picture before.  You can imagine my joy to receive this special gift from my cousin. 

After all, it isn’t the dates of birth, the marriages or their careers that has made these women so influential in my life.  It’s the relationship they took the time to grow with me that has made the difference in my life.