WHEN I HAD TIME TO SPEND TIME

In the last few months, I’ve been reminded of the infamous words of my sister/friend’s mother upon learning one of her siblings had move to Glory;  “my circle has been broken.”    It’s with despair that I repeat those words because that little lady has a special place in my heart and I hate the thought of her being hurt.  

Suddenly, I can remember the days when I had time to spend time with those I love.  I’m not clear about what’s really eating up so much of my “precious” time of late but it’s all soaked up with one thing or another.  If I were put on a witness stand and sworn in – I’d have to say that most of what I’m spending my time on isn’t what's most important to me. 

I guess a fair portion of this missing time has been spent on just trying to hold on to my sanity.  Let’s face it – I’m getting older and my tolerance – while never much to write home about – is less than I’d like at this time in my life.  I won’t even talk about the hot flashes and aching bones and joints (probably just joints but when a thang is hurting who is to really say). 

Another portion of this missing time is spent on working.  I’m in the home stretch of my “career” where I hope there is the possibility of retiring sometime in the future with the ability to remain living indoors without another job and a piece of health!  Yeah, I could be 14-20 years close to retiring – ummmm….. that sounds depressing (LOL). 

And I’ve noticed that it suddenly takes me all day to do nothing!  There are actually times when I ask those around me if I spoke out loud because I can’t remember what I was about to do despite being “really about to do it!”  

I’m not even going to mention the impact of three little ones and my grands on my current living situation.  Or my consultant role to the young married couple and watching my baby negotiate his neurological condition.  I’m also not going to mention my concern over my own aging parents (although the three of them seem to be younger than I am) and my aching heart as I listen to the worries my sister/friends mention about their parents and kin. 

Honestly, I understand that I’m on the backside of my life instead of being on the side heading up to my peek!  And, I’m not satisfied with the way some of the things have worked out in my life (but praise the Lord I do have health and a portion of my mind – despite pre-menopaus/menopaus chipping at my memory and such).

Do I really have to explain what all the short circuits in my hormones do to my personal relationships and bids for romantic love?  Really?  No, I won’t even go there – okay? 

But, back to my ‘broken circle;  my baby cousin (still feels odd just knowing she’s gone) and one of my Great-Aunties (via the number of years of association and marriage; I’ve never known life without her in the wings) moved over to Glory.  

I’m beginning to lose links in the circle of my life.

My blessing was in having seen my Auntie just prior to her death.  I didn’t get to thank her for all of the hours she’d spent over the years telling me stories that would make me bust a gut; or thanks for sharing books with me when I was in my 20’s; or how good it felt to be hugged by her; or just knowing that I was accepted by her.  I didn't get to share my memories of running errands for her like I did for all the rest of my folks and I know I got talked about when I goofed up the list (which I did a lot – smile).   But, thank God, I did have the opportunity to tell her I love and to kiss her face one last time.  

Another blessing was to have the opportunity to spend a little time with her daughter and my cousin.   I love this cousin.  My love initially took root out of how others like my mother and other cousin feel about her.   But my joy in being in her company has grown from the person she is. 

Surely you’ve had the experience of seeing someone and knowing them and caring for them based upon viewing them through the eyes of someone else?  This is exactly how I made friends with my beloved frienemy that has also moved to glory.  I had the opportunity to first know him through the eyes of his sister as she spoke with pride and joy about a gift he’d given her. 

Anyway, once during my time with my beloved cousin, she explained the anguish of watching her mother in pain and not having the power to do anything to ease that pain or to heal her.   She’s courageous.  

I can remember looking forward to spending my Saturdays with my Great-Aunties.  I mean it was the real highlight of my week.  I want the life I currently have to be fuller.   

I want the people back.  I want the sitting around talking and just being together back.  I want that joy back.  I’m not sure WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING with my time and/or time management, BUT I've got to get this corrected!

I can't get some of the links I've lost from my circle of life back but I can strengthen the links I've got left and add to them.  I just don’t want to regret not spending time with those I love while I have the time.