SPARKLE

Have I ever shared with you that I admire and enjoy being in the company of men?  I really feel very comfortable in their presence and attribute this to my childhood experiences with my grandfather, father, my Dust and uncles (I felt like the cat’s meow).  

I’m like most women; I like looking at handsome, attractive men but must admit that I’m especially partial to African-American men.  There is just something about them that captures my attention.  I love their essence and I like the way they move (why has no one ever remade this song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vrnDzOOlCI ).  They seem to have their own energy source – rhythm and style…they SPARKLE and SHINE. 

For years I’ve tried, without success, to capture, in words how much I’m moved by the very sight of black men in motion.  But, I think that Jill Scott states it best when she says; “I like your mannerisms and the way you carry them (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1OC_XmeIck).” 

Although I’ve not been “lucky in luv;” I hold men in high esteem.  Over the years, as I’ve grown as a woman, parent and professional, I’ve wanted to develop a special training session for mothers who have sons to help focus and clarify what and how we “raise” our sons. 

I think that sometimes we penalize our sons based upon the traumas we’ve personally endured during our childhoods and bid to navigate adulthood (swinging the pendulum from making sure he’s nothing like the men that have hurt us to being enmeshed/overbearing and not teaching or encouraging our sons to think/make decisions/to mature/assume responsibility for their own destinies – but this is not the discussion I’d like to have today). 

Okay, can we just agree – for the sake of this conversation - that it takes a very careful balance to properly nurture, mature and launch a male child towards claiming his manhood?  (I hope you will just agree and not force me to bring biological studies into this matter which clearly indicate it’s very difficult to just birth a male child; blah, blah, blah….)

I have seen the soul-less eyes of brothers that didn’t make the transition.  This is the one thing about brothers that just has a way of cracking my soul and causing a deep wailing down in my core; to see a black man for whom the light of life and hope has left his eyes.  Have you ever seen this? 

I don’t know if it’s possible to get the light back once it’s left but I can tell you that the pursuit of keeping said light lit in the eyes of my son has been the scariest part of being that brother’s mother.  Also, despite common belief (smile), I work diligently to be supportive to the men I’m personally connected to whether my brother/friends or romantic interests or professional peers.

I recently finished reading a book by Dr. Ronn Elmore called “How to Love a Black Man.”  Yes the book boasts that one can learn to give and get the love they want and build a relationship both deserve - but that really isn’t what moved me to purchase the book.  It was what Dr. Elmore said about who African American men are and aren’t that peeked my interest. 

What moved me the most about what Dr. Elmore had to say was the fact that he “defined” the Ideal Back Man and the Raw Deal Black Man and made it very clear that neither description truly indicates who black men really are.  He goes on to describe The Real Deal Black Man and it is in this description that I learned a very bone chilling truth; “is familiar with and expects severe losses.”      

That very brief bullet point messed me up for some days.  It sent the proverbial chill down my spine and loosened the grief I often feel on behalf of African-American men in my heart.  That grief bubbled to the surface and I had to face and deal with it to a degree before I could absorb more of what the good doctor had to share.

 I struggled to believe that all the times I’d attempted to:  pump up, prop up, stand up,  stand with, support, reassure, stoke the inner light – love brothers – you mean to tell me that he still might “expect severe losses?”   COM’ON NOW - WHAT THE HECK IS REALLY GOING?!!!!

I still find it hard to put into words how this point impacted my thoughts about my son and all the other young men I hold in my heart as my own child.  I’m telling you, I was messed up over this thought! 

Then, I saw a wall post on a friend’s face book page (yes, before the latest changes to the site – I like most other folks can’t figure out the site right now).  She asked this question:  What is it that Men need in order to feel Loved and supported by women?

Don’t get me wrong.  I do understand that relationships take a lot of work/compromise/overlooking and forgiving.  I don’t believe that a woman or a man should accept emotional/physical/sexual violence as part of their relationships (October is national domestic violence awareness month ya’ll). 

This means drawing the line and maintaining what you will and won’t accept from the other (while all the while knowing that the line doesn’t have to be solid it can also be perforated – thus allow for the passage of grace and forgiveness back and forth).  I understand about the love languages and verbalizing one’s needs but….

The resounding response I heard ringing back in my mind to the question was:  “will we let this man love us?”  Are we able to commit to this brother in front of us versus the potential we believe he has in the future (and I love me some potential)?  Can we allow him to approach necessary tasks his way without offering our commentary?  Are we able to truly comprehend how much of his worth is tied to how he contributes in all aspects of his life to include relationships with us?  Can we accept him for who he is and not require him to pay for all that another may have perpetrated against us?  Can we allow him to be and do all of that he must without taking it as an assault on our intelligence and viability? 

I may eventually be found by the brother whose pace is akin to mine but even if I never do; I want to say – no, I need to say thank you to the brother along the way that:   

·        Shared his inner most fears with me; I apologize if I didn’t always handle your fears and concerns  carefully – I saw you different from how you saw yourself in those moments

·        felt safe enough with me to tell me what hurts him emotionally and to trust that it will never be used against him by me

·        sought my advice despite knowing bitter truth might flow his way from me

·        told me he’d never been loved so well in his life time until he was loved by me

·        recognizes I deserve a God fearing man; I think you’re a remarkable man and I deeply appreciate your willingness to share with others how the valleys in your life lead to your peaks as you encourage the next brother along the way

·        never fails to ask me if I’m ready to let him love me – despite the obvious difficulties between us; I know he loves me

·        took the time to explain that he doesn’t need me to fix it – he just needs me to remind him that “everything will be okay baby” 

·        was courageous enough to ask; you bring light to my days just by being you

·        who held the line when my tantrum was in full force; brave enough to say “no, you don’t get your own way this time” (@#$%%^^%- smile)

·        was confident enough in who he is as a man – to let me have my way; you move me to poetry

Ya’ll know I live alone – so I’m not saying I’m perfect or even good at all that I’ve said.  However, I recognize (in the infamous words of my sister/friend) that his bid to be him isn’t anti-me. 

I respect each of my sisters that have taken the unusual stance and have stood on behalf of brothers that struggled to find their footing in this life (I may not have always understood and I may not have the same capacity but I absolutely respect you); and we’re not talking about that compounding foolishness that leads to self destruction and our destruction. 

I just CAN’T encounter a brother (personal/professional; a moment in time or for all time – no foolishness ya’ll) and not try to add fire to the sparkle and shine he already possess.  I’m not suggesting I will change his world – I’m just pledging to not dull his shine.  Are you in?  

IN THE MEAN TIME – SHINE ON MY BROTHER!  YOU ARE MOST BEAUTIFUL TO ME.