I NEED YOU

Tell me what you think.  I’m really very curious and want to know how you perceive “need?”  What brings me to this request?  Okay, this is what had happened….

If you know me, you know I like to tease - a lot!  [I can’t seem to help it and blame it all on my maternal grandfather who has moved over to glory.  He found great joy in giving out riddles and playing jokes on and taunting folks and I seem to have the trait.] 

I recently found myself gifted an opportunity to “taunt” someone but the total result of what began as a tongue-in-cheek adventure showed me dividends beyond my expectations – a true gift and opportunity to tune myself . 

Relax; of course I prefaced all of what I’m about to share with my infamous statement: 

“I live alone, so don’t listen to me – apparently I don’t know how to make all that work.”

The Taunt

I was visiting with a married young lady.  I “dared” her to leave go the arguments (they hadn’t been settled in some years and weren’t likely to be in a couple weeks) during a two week timeframe.  I also challenged her to replace the fussing with these words: “I need you.” 

See, I read a lot and I’ve read articles that suggest that women of our time are so busy professionally, large & in charge but those skills aren’t helpful in the home.  It’s home and not the board room – so to speak.  I just wondered if those “simple” words could make the impact that all the arguing in the world couldn’t achieve. 

Then my fun and games began….I would text her or email her or mouth to her as she went by the “simple” words.  I must have messed with her so - that she apparently shared the dare with another married lady; which I only found out when the second lady turned the tables on me and began saying the “simple” three words to me when we would see one another. 

I finally had the opportunity to visit with the new player in the taunt shortly after Valentine’s Day.  She explained that she’d said the “simple” phrase to her spouse of many years and was very pleased by the outcome (she got flowers and a love email).  She further shared that when she said that to her husband – he was speechless (apparently never a problem for him under any circumstance) and they hadn’t exchanged love notes since they were 19 years old. 

Then she and I kicked around the question of what he may have felt when he heard the words and she agreed to ask him.  He told her that he felt like he was a part of the marriage versus a visitor (well, you know some women of color – we know how to let a brother know we can get the job done with or without him); he felt valued for more than the honey-would-you-do-list.  This gave me more reason to pause and ponder the issue of “needing” someone else.      

So, I continued to gather information regarding this “simple” phrase because suddenly my ability to need someone seemed to be a vital key to long-term commitment and LUV.  Historically, I’ve avoided “needing” someone because – well let’s just say I’ve been unlucky in LUV. 

Okay, so WHAT THE HECK does “need” mean?  Immediately, I associated “need” with not being able to function without this other person; that person being the boss over me; ummmm – what’s that word in the bible – SUBMISSIVE and stuff like that.  You know – pitiful. 

I’m just not the type to go homeless or hungry because “he” didn’t come through (I have seen this happen with my own eyes).  When I left home, I was a mother and understood my kiddo liked to eat on time – despite whatever else I might have going on.  So, I had to have some things on the ball – period.   

Now, I have no idea why I associated “need” to that because in the relationships I’ve seen working well (from my definition of well) this absolutely hasn’t been the case!  In fact, there is a lot of playfulness between the couples and a willingness to consult the other before making decisions that could impact the family system.      

Ok, so accepting my view to be skewed (smile) I started asking my friends what their take on it was.  I and my friends that find themselves in the same marital status seem to really struggle with putting the definition into words.  I was downright stalking this “problem” when I heard someone say they were reaching out to me because they felt I needed them.  I realized it didn’t bother me to be perceived as needing them or to even consider my needing them. 

Of course, being me, I just couldn’t leave it at that.  I had to know if I was needed.  The response was affirmative but as I hadn’t truly settled on my own definition of this “need” thing - I was a little let down by the way in which I’m “needed.”   

I even asked my mom if she needed my Dust and she said yes (with a long list of honey-would-you-dos).  But, she suddenly stopped talking and simply said “yes, I need him.”  She too ended up writing a letter of love (yes, I apologized to my Dust cause now he has to give a response to maintain peace in the valley - smile). 

Looking back over how this pursuit began, I confessed to myself that I really do have more nerve than Dick Tracey (ole cartoon for those of you who don’t know).  I don’t remember ever saying to a beloved, “I need you.”  I’m sure I said, I like you, I love you, I’d like to work this out and I’m sorry but I’ve never said I “need” you.  I’ve certainly never said it and waited on them to come through either.    

I’ve decided to define “need,” for myself to mean; this person is requisite, indispensable, essential & necessary for my well being and somehow makes me want to be/makes me better. 

What I learned in this process

1.      I want to “need” someone

2.      It is really important to me to know that I too have the capacity to be this for my soul mate

AND

I should leave folks alone!  My fun and games usually lead to me finding some work to do on myself!  At this rate, I’m a fool around and make some serious internal changes and find myself in that committed LUV situation!