THAT WORKED FOR ME!

Of late, I’ve felt bogged down by stress and tension NOT of my own making.  Being who I am, I’ve been searching for the origin of this phenomenon to see if there are some things I can cut out to lighten my load.  And, guess what?  I stumbled across a secret event I affectionately call “the committee of complication,” here forth to be called the CCC.     

I’m not sure how one gets elected or appointed to this committee but I’m here to tell you it really exists!  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that some of the members have no idea they’ve become a major part of the problem.  I feel confident they believe they’re acting in good faith and are really applying the skills of due diligence.  Also, please know, I don’t just reveal this phenomenon to cover up any frustration for not getting my own way (you’d be surprised at just how peace loving I’ve become in my older age).  

R-E-A-L-L-Y N-O-W!  These folks just out messing up stuff!  Then I’m inconvenienced in trying to figure out how to set it right again!  

Listen, I know you think I’m just on one of my soap box topics but I’m here to tell you that the total mission of the committee is to derail the real work that needs to be done - especially if it’s getting done.  I mean the committee invokes it’s power in such a way that it increases the weight of the work by 25-35% and during really high stress times – can even double or triple the workload! 

So I was sitting with myself and thinking to myself, “self – we got to figure this out and get out of this raggedy dance!”  So, I did what I do and started trying to figure out the best way to bow out of the “C-R-A-Z-Y.”

I determined that I needed to research the problem and began skimming lots of free F-I-R-E books on the topic of leadership and working with difficult people.  I, typically, maintain good boundaries.  As the books recommended, I shored up my boundaries, tried to keep my feedback clear and concise and followed lots of things up in writing. 

I attempted to remain transparent with my peers and worked hard to provide them some cover from some of the top down flow of what I affectionately refer to as C-R-A-P-O-L-A.  And for a while – it worked….until it didn’t.   

So, I tightened my boundaries and reviewed my stress management skill set.  I started clearing my mind and starring off into space; humming and singing little songs to ease my mind and calm my spirit coupled with cleansing breaths with arm motions to stretch and clear all stress from my system, and smoking imaginary cigarettes – it worked…

What I’m about to share with you will utterly amaze and impress you and maybe even help you with your stress situations.  Now, I’m in the room with C-R-A-Z-Y, feeling trapped and held hostage.  It still remains clear in my mind the very moment when I suddenly remembered all of my FANTASTIC stress management skills and decided to activate them while being whipped around by the tail of storm C-R-A-Z-Y.    

It was precisely at the 47 minute mark of what was supposed to be a 30 minute meeting – when I suddenly dropped into my cleared mind – space starring pose.  I only came back to myself after having my name called several times.   

The torture continued and it was precisely at the 120 minute mark of the - what was supposed to be that same 30 minute meeting – when I suddenly erupted in song!  Of course I could only remember two or three words of some obscure song…. but it worked for me… until it didn’t

It was at the 180 minute mark of the - what was supposed to be that same 30 minute meeting – when I suddenly noticed that my coping skills weren’t working and I actually began to hear the words that were being said and got angry.  I just couldn’t go along to get along anymore and contributed my 3 cents worth and began smoking a imaginary cigarette to calm my nerves. 

Of course, as the CCC was in full swing; my input was quickly ejected and I began to see my life pass before my eyes in the never ending meeting!  But I was successful in not blowing my stack and quickly reverted back to the last skill I had in my tool bag.

Between you and me, I’ve never tried yoga but at this point in my nightmare – I was willing to try anything so….  I did some cleansing breaths along with stretching my arms above my head and then out to my sides.  I repeated this four times.  I looked around and nothing in the room had changed. 

Let’s face, I was in the room trying to mitigate the impact of C-R-A-Z-Y and was the only one in the room looking like a monkey-ass fool!  WTHIRGO????

At the 2 hour and fifty (50) minute mark of that same meeting that was supposed to only be 30 minutes; I inwardly admitted defeat, gathered my things and said, “I must press on with my day” and left.  NOW THAT WORKED FOR ME!

 

My infamous cleared mind blank stare look!  

 

My infamous song bird look!  

 

My infamous angry look!  

 

My infamous imaginary smoke blowing look!  

My infamous cleansing yoga look! 

One Lovely Day

I’m running behind. Believe it or not, I’ve been busy.  I meant to share with you at the time (last month) but time got away from me.  Mid March I experienced one very lovely day!  What made it so lovely you’re asking?  It was my MOM/BFF/GIGGLE BUDDY’s birthday.  But, being who she is… added one more big deal to her special day – she was also blessed to retire.

I was “invited” to the festivities at her previous place of employment (smile).  She worked with a cool crew of folks with their own little personalities.  The funniest part was putting the real face to the nick name she’d given a few of them over the years.  For example, the one she most envied is called 10-2.  Why?  Because those are the hours the lady works!  (I must admit she seemed very happy with her employment.) 

The cupcakes were divine.  So much so I sent a note to the “Betty Crocker” in my office requesting the same types of treats from her kitchen. I figure we won’t be getting any of those because she told me to bring her one of each and she would look into the matter. 

There were homemade mints and a special blend of exotic mixed nuts. According to the director that brought the nuts (after hearing all the effort the cupcake and mint makers threw into their offerings), she “grew them and specially cracked each one out of their shell before putting them in the special bowl upon which they rested.”  I wasn’t mad at her after all, in my youth, I grew the wheat I ground for the flour in my creations!  

My mom had a nice and steady group of folks moving in and out.  I did happen to overhear some say they weren’t invited but they wouldn’t allow a simple thing like an invitation stand between them and getting to my mother. 

My Dust arrived.  He was looking cool and all that with his scarf and debonair cap.  He had the best gut busting laugh over sneaking in the comment, “I have a to-do list for her.”  The look on my mom’s face and the depth of his laughter were priceless.  

I told her work sidekicks to not worry about my mother because she has told them that she will be lying in her bed.  I told them it isn’t depression – it’s I-COMFORT.  They seemed relieved. 

As her two oldest friends walked with us to the car, they told my mother that they really will miss her and that they’re happy for her (and jealous too – smile).

  

Later that day, we met for dinner as a family - provided by the offspring (God bless the child that got their own and some for me too).  Yet again, we were blessed as one of my mother’s friends (and my sister/friend/auntie) joined us. 

I might be biased, because it always feels good to me to spend time with my mother, my Dust, my children (HP you’re in this number), the wild bunch and friends - but I had a great time.  I sure hope my mother enjoyed herself too. 

You know, we never really know how many folks we touch in a deep and meaningful way.  It was nice to meet some of the folks my mother has touched over the years. 

I enjoy people watching and I’ve seen my mother over the years from many different angles.  God has been so gracious.  Maybe sometime I will find the right descriptive words to introduce you to her the way I know my mother (my muse) but until then I will just say this: 

She just makes my life brighter and me love her.

And that’s what happened one lovely day!

Some of the party.

Some more of the party.

Family

Twins - knee boots (eat your hearts out FP and SW)

The Award my mother received in April 2013 for being herself - cool all day long! 

WHERE YOU GO

WHERE YOU GO

I have a number of male brother/friends.  Some of them are married.  One of the things I generally love most about my married brother/friend’s is their wives and how they express their care and concern for that woman to me.  Don’t get me wrong – I don’t covet what she has with him.  I celebrate and support it. 

 

My dear beloved brother/friend’s wife moved to glory recently (I can’t adequately express how my heart grieves this).   Although he’s my friend, I too felt that she was my friend.  I can remember times when I would call for him and she and I would get to talking and I would even forget I had called him. 

 

I would see her out and about looking all cute and she would pose for pictures that I would later email to him to tease him about how cute his beloved was looking.  I would also tease them about hanging out and about in “luv.”  They were happy with each other. 

 

I’ve never known him without her.  I don’t even know their love story and ya’ll know how I love a great love story.  But I do know some things about their love.  Smile 

 

What do I think I know?  I know he loves her.  I know she’s loved him well and he knows he is loved.  I know he has expressed so much love for her he’s almost convinced me that I want that kind of love.  Because despite the great loss he is suffering, he’s told me time and time again, “It was worth all of this (pain/anguish/loss).”

 

I need to say aloud how very brave I view my brother/friend to be.  He’s able to express his heartfelt grief while also sharing his continued hope.  I’m ever so humbled by his ability to keep it all straight in his own mind… in his spirit (God is the Able One).

 

A couple of years ago I met a man on an airplane that had a very interesting wedding band on his finger.  The band of silver had lettering that appeared to be Hebrew.  The flight was going to be short so I wasted little time asking him what his ring said.  He indicated that the words are taken from the book of Ruth and basically mean, “Where you go I will go.” 

 

I found those words to be very powerful and just beautiful.  I must confess, standing witness to my beloved brother/friend’s love with his beautiful wife has moved me past the “almost” phase (smile) – I’m actually thinking I need to go all out for that kind of love. 

 

I wish this love for you too.  Happy Valentine’s Day! 

 

…Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay… Ruth 1:16

 

 

 

Centered

This is not a New Year resolution or even a Jerry McGuire moment.  It is just some musing I’ve been doing.

I have a number of important and close relationships that I value and treasure with a number of different folks.  Many years ago, I was having a conversation with one such brother/friend and upon ending the call he said to me, “be a blessing.”  Now, I had to call him right back to make sure I understood his suggestion.  I wanted to know if he was suggesting I’d been anything less to others (com’on you know me).  He explained that everyone is always looking for a blessing instead of seeking to be a blessing. 

I thought long and hard about our conversation and determined there was some merit to his observation.  I decided then that I too needed an epiphany statement to ground me in times of peril.  At the time, I was working for the state of Kansas in a Foster Care unit.  It is very emotionally & soul tearing, demanding work.  In that environment (like all others – smile) it is very easy to get over involved in the negative. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this but, I’m very good at taking “inventory.”  So, if I go down the negative path – I go all out!  I’ve experienced burnout before and really never wanted to go back to that so I decided I needed an anchoring statement for the job. 

In the spirit of my normal outlook on life and my social work education from the University of Kansas, I determined that my work statement to be the following:  “Be About The Solution.”  And, for double digit years, this has been my professional signature line. 

But I felt I needed something more substantive to focus on in my personal life.  One day, I was studying the Word and read Ephesians 3:20; Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us (KJV).  Yeah, so what?  Well, what I got out of it is this: 

GOD IS ABLE!

I’m a witness to this very true fact about the Most High.  He is so Able!  I’ve seen him move and do things in my life that are simple miracles (cause left to my own devices – it would be a real wreck – smile).  I’ve seen God move in the lives of others and in His graciousness, those stories have been shared with me and I have been blessed in the sharing. 

I’m especially blessed in that when I need a Word from the Lord the Spirit is so kind to remind me of his promises and take me to the very passage I need.  I also have some fun with my peers and fuss over the Word (I love the debate) but never forget my personal relationship with God is more important than all else. 

So here I am again – needing professional peace.  I’m blessed, I have a job and I’m able to live indoors one more month.  However, the joy I once imagined having in my current position doesn’t exist.  There are so many demands (most of which have nothing to do with the real day job – if you know what I mean; and while we’re talking, I’m not exactly the politically correct type – which I’m sure also adds to this misery- I don’t know why we can’t just ask the obvious). 

I’ve punted this matter around with my professional peers and teammates.  We all have a set of beliefs about the matter and are pushing to figure out how to best manage things until our change comes (“Holding On” is another one of my stand by comments on rough days – in reference to Job [14:14] waiting for his change to come). 

Over the years, the solutions have not always been what I thought they would be.  Over the years, God has definitely shown up and shown out on my behalf far exceeding my sad little imagination (I will never forget standing on the beach of the ocean in December; warm water brushing my feet as I stared out into the vastness of God’s body of water realizing my crafts suck in comparison to what God can do). 

I’ve never considered myself to be a good victim.  As this year passed into the next, I’ve determined that I have a few more areas to grow in and that I want to approach these areas in a healthy and aggressive manner.

I recently had a lovely meal with my mentor/teacher (The Healer).  During the course of the conversation I found another way to focus on my work quandary; 

“The real key is keeping the client at the center of the process.”

This seems obvious but like most everything there are allegiances that must be honored and at times the lines can be blurred.  Pressures can be brought to bear to sway matters from the center of where they need to be. For a good while, I felt that I had done a good job of running interference so the team could complete the real task at hand (I, felt & good job being relative – smile).  But I got caught up in taking inventory especially as the particles of the inventory have gotten in the way of me doing what I believe is my job. 

Our team has done an incredible amount of great work this year and passed a critical accreditation process (gaining all possible points); we’ve processed and offered services to a great number of Families (God has blessed this program and expanded it to meet the needs of the community); we’ve held hands and defended powerless victims of child abuse/neglect and spouse abuse; and we’ve offered hundreds of child abuse/neglect and spouse abuse education in an attempt to bring awareness to the community so the impact of such behaviors (that include death in some cases) can be avoided and Soldiers and their Families can grow in a healthy way.   We’ve supported Families that have special needs (educational, physical and mental wellness) with the minimum of staffing and that program passed two critical audits this year. 

I often encourage others in my realm to do timelines of what’s been happening in their lives when the load gets heavy.  I often utilize my own advice and determined that in the last 9 months, I’ve “lost” 7 staff members that have been with the program for years.  I’ve gained new staff but it takes time to gel as a team.  Before it is all said and done, more will leave because of the economic reality of contract work.  Our programs have and will change just due to the changes in staff.  I’m not saying this is a bad thing (yes, I am) but it is D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T and will require some adjustments.   

Of course, I will kick this focus around with my teammates as we face the changes the New Year brings us and we will press forward in our service to Soldiers and their Families. Some kind of way, we must keep this focus versus being pulled and pushed by every wind trying to blow us off course!   (But team, I’m telling you now – I will still be telling the whole truth to our clients.  I believe that a portion of our work is to help them grow up.  I just keep thinking, “if this were my child….”)   

I’m sure my resolve will weaken from day to day; hour to hour; minute to minute but I will keep you updated on our venture.

In the mean time, I’m guessing you have some things you must face in the upcoming months.  Perhaps it is some stuff you’ve put off for a long period of time or maybe it is something new that is testing your ability to endure and press through it.  I would like to challenge you to create an epiphany statement and I would very much so enjoy hearing your motto if you care to share with me.  Don’t forget…

GOD IS ABLE!

 

On Giving Thanks

As you’ve probably guessed by now, my mom is my muse.  She resents this role but her mother was hers and I’m sure (maybe) that this is just the normal rhythm of life.  My mother is a real piece of work!  My mom pulled out the stops this year for Thanksgiving.  She really played us close and we were all involved in the process before we realized the level of her game!  She’s one for the Hall of Fame! 

Let me begin this saga by letting you know how grateful we are that my mother is coming along just nicely after her illness.  We’re all sitting around like panting puppies just waiting to do her bidding!  I mean I will leave the beloved IComfort Bed if she tells me she wants to go somewhere; I don’t like to leave the IComfort Bed unless I want to leave it. 

THE GAME

Hook
Now, I’m not sure there was ever a real conversation about what the menu would be for Thanksgiving.  I did see a note on my daughter’s refrigerator but it was in her handwriting so I’m not sure who took part in the conversation.  I was lead to believe that my mother and daughter had set the menu (which meant that my daughter took notes). 

For about one week prior to Thanksgiving, little batches of ingredients showed up on our steps.  I have to admit that I thought I was just storing stuff.  I didn’t realize I was cooking the ham until I saw the pot.  I talked with my daughter about it and she too learned that she’d be cooking the greens the same way – when the pot showed up! 

Line

As the week wore on toward the big day, there were many conversations about what other ingredients might be needed to pull off each of the dishes.  I even received sweet potatoes for the candid sweet potatoes!  My mother indicated we wouldn’t be having macaroni and cheese or mashed potatoes because she didn’t “want green juice in her potatoes.”  R-E-A-L-L-Y? – WOW MOM - YOU DOING THE MOST!  We had mac & cheese anyway. 

Sinker

As I’ve mentioned before, cooking is a mega stressor for me.  I want to get the stuff right and I want it to taste good.  But I have to really concentrate on the matter AND STAY IN THE KITCHEN otherwise I won’t even remember I was ever in the kitchen that day. 

Okay, so we learned about our contribution to the meal upon my mother dropping off the food item and the pan it was to be cooked in!  I don’t know who set the menu but I believe it was my mom – while somehow making Farrin think she was a part of the process.

I had no concerns about cooking the ham because I wasn’t going to do anything but put that sucker in the pan and cook it.  I mean after all – when my mom cooks ham she doesn’t do all that other stuff with the cloves, pineapples and maraschino cherries. 

However, recognizing this was some kind of test – I mean come on she had not given out instructions just dropped off the food and the pot – I contacted my mother at the last minute to ask how I was supposed to cook the ham.  You guessed it; cloves, brown sugar, pineapples and the maraschino cherries! 

I was determined to pass my test and began my calculations (my there is a lot of math in cooking).  Yep, I pulled out my calculator to be sure my timing and concoction was calibrated perfectly for that heavy ass ham she managed to drop off at my house with the pot.   The cook of the kitchen at my house (that would be me), rose to the occasion!

Aunt Debbie was at the house while I was trying to figure out the right amounts and indicated “it really isn’t that hard, I’ve only watched this be done several times but it didn’t seem that involved.”  EVERYBODY IS A CRITIC! 

Also, I want you to know that when I mentioned the change in ingredients to my daughter she was like “you cooked it two years ago, don’t you remember.”  Well, she also got the turkey task and had all kind of trouble with that do-hickey that is supposed to pop out when the bird is done.  When I arrived for the meal, she was asking me why the do-hickey had not popped out.  Now, we’re all connected to the WWW; why was she asking me?  She didn’t like the answer she got either – smile. 

Apparently that do-hickey thing is unreliable and the bird is liable to be dry as a desert bone by the time it pops out.  About 30 minutes after being removed from the oven – it popped!  That will teach her to belittle my test anxiety. 

All in all, we had a lovely meal and a very good time together.  At the end, my mom said, “it was good.”  We worked like the Hebrews to get that little phrase out of her!  She’s got game! 

I don’t know what the plan is for Christmas but if need be, the cook of the kitchen will rise again!   

Not This Cup: Matthew 26:39 (KJV)

I’ve often wondered what Jesus meant by “this cup.”  I understood the context but always thought that the term “cup” was interesting.  Perhaps one day, I will have the leisure to pursue this query for a better understanding.  But, I will tell you this, there have been times when I’ve known folks were going through something scary and potentially life changing – I felt compelled to ask the Lord to allow that cup to pass them.  So, you too understand the context – right? 

Anyway, I recently read a book called Sifted by Rick Lawrence.  You know how you can sometimes read a book just at the right time in your life?  Well, I found that this book offered me many deep thinking points (made all the sweeter because I got the book for free on my Kindle F-i-r-e; the F-i-r-e is another story but trust me when I say haters abound). 

Shortly after I began this book, I noted in a very clear way that a lot of the folks in my realm are really going through some things!  As I moved into the meat of the book – my mother took ill. 

I had tried to not feel anxious but a week prior to my birthday she told me she wouldn’t be able to celebrate with me.  WTHIRGO?  My mother continued to struggle with her affliction and on my birthday we took her to the ER; she was admitted.  Early the next morning she was moved to ICU. 

My Dust and I stood vigil with my cousin, daughter, son-in-law, son, brother, family and friends standing in the gap with us.  The days and nights were long.  The battle raged!  My mother vacillated between the unconscious and conscious.

I sat with my mother while she called out to the Lord to just take her.  And I had to break that news to my Dust.  We both knew that things were serious if she was calling to the Lord.      

At one point, she took to a deep sleep. I thought they had put her to sleep but that was not the case.  Her body was beginning to shut down.  I remember sitting in the room with her explaining that she’d better “come on wit it” because those folks were starting to count her out. 

The next afternoon, my mother was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to figure out “WHAT THE HECK IS REALLY GOING ON!”  Preciously so, she had no memory and continues to have no memory of those scary days. 

When my mother was released from the hospital, she came home with me, my cousin and the kids.  I don’t think she wanted to come with us but my house is the only house between us that has access to a bed and bathroom without going up any stairs.  Plus, I have an I-Comfort bed (as does my mother but that’s another story). 

There was a discussion among the little people (okay you will be able to guess in a minute anyway – it was Lacy) indicating some concern about how anyone would get any sleep with all the snoring that was bound to go on with me and my mother in the same room. 

Being the fair person that I am; I confessed the next morning that Lacy was right – there was a lot of snoring going on (and you know Allie told it to everyone).  Oh, but how I enjoyed my slumber party with my mother.  We were giggling, I was talking too much and she kept telling me to go to sleep!  Smile  

I was just happy because I could see her, touch her and help her.  Things were going pretty well…. I thought but I had noted that she was working on making her way up the stairs.  She was building her endurance so she could flee us. 

On Thursday morning, I awoke to a finger jab in my chest and one eye starring me down.  I said, “What?”  She said, “Stop making that noise.”  Now, she was snoring too but I didn’t wake her up to tell her to stop – the nerve! 

She’d already been talking to my Dust about getting home and through the night on Thursday, she woke me many times to tell me to stop making that noise (as if).  But I believe the last straw was my alarm “system” that Friday morning. 

See, my cell phone starts ringing at 5:00am; then my house alarm starts at 5:30am; then I get a phone call from my girlfriend at 6:00am.  She talks to me until I make coherent sense.  Oh and I forgot to mention this watch that I have across the room that also rings at some point in the morning.  I can’t find the instructions so I can’t turn it off.  But, I don’t hear it every day – so I figure it’s all good.  So between my snoring and all the ringing – I do believe my life was at risk.  Smile  

She didn’t get away from us that Friday but she woke everybody up early on Saturday and told us to take her home.  Stewie and I drove the queen home with him kicking the back of her seat all the way – another something she just loves – NOT. 

Her recovery was going very slowly and she found herself in the ICU again one month to the day later.  When she came through that medical crisis, she seemed to have some of her old fire (not to be confused with the Kindle f-i-r-e) back. 

As I’ve shared before, I’m in introvert.  In fact, my blog is probably as detailed as I get about how I feel or what I think.  It’s not that I don’t have these feelings and reactions about lots of things but I have an internal process that I go through often before I ever speak.  It isn’t the way others handle things but we all have to learn to carry our loads the best way we can and right/wrong or indifferent – this is how I manage. 

Some of what I learned

• It really does take a lot of folks to care for the ill so don’t fuss over the bill
• All doctors are not stuck up and narcissistic; I met several that sat down with me and explained what was what and even stopped to see my mother when they weren’t working (probably the Farrin influence)
• Farrin is a good little nurse; at one point she showed up to get her grandmother’s blood; I was like – h-e-y and she said, “whatever momma, I’m qualified;” and she did a very good job
• Farrin has lots of friends on her job and they treated my mother like she was their grandmother
• I still have what it takes!  I slept in chairs and even took on evil nurse “B” (really her name starts with a B but I don’t want to use her name cause she’s on my list); I didn’t like how she talked to my mother when I was there and pregnant or not – she was about to get the beat down 
• As kind as my Dust can be – he put a blood drawer out the room – she failed his test
• You can fire a nurse you don’t want to work with (Farrin didn’t tell me this until I started my letter)  
• Don’t make the mistake of not calling my Sunday School Teacher because she can put a very rough guilt trip on you  
• My mother is a tough chick and kept her sense of humor despite not wanting to talk with the medical staff (which was making them mad because she would tell us what she wanted and wouldn’t speak to them– there were times they didn’t know she was able to talk because she wouldn’t speak to them)
• I’m still not giving up my I-Comfort bed but if you’re sick, I will share it with you
• Those little kids can be so kind and generous; I simply loved the way all the children served my mother while she was with us and they were quiet too! 
• If this cup is presented to me again, I will not hesitate to ask for it to be taken from me – but I can let her go and not lose my total mind

This Cup

9/8/12

Lord although I don’t know if this is my journey alone – it’s obvious that a portion of it belongs to me.

I’ve never been in this world without her.  At times, she has been my ally and at others the force I fought – but always she’s been…

This feels bitter to me and I’m not sure I have the courage to survive this; despite the full plate before me.

I don’t doubt God’s wisdom.  I just want to finish well.