REDEMPTION

I have been trying to determine the best way to start this conversation without giving up too much of my personal business.  I know right?  I can hear you saying that I’ve told you a great number of things (that you probably never wanted to know about me and mine to begin with) so what could I now be feeling shy about sharing? 

I’ve recently been offered and accepted an invitation to LOVE.  That sounds very simple but the truth is… I almost didn’t accept.  Then I heard a still small voice say,

“J-A-C-K-A-S-S  P-A-H-L-E-A-Z!”

I’ve waited many years for this type of invitation and had lost hope of anyone ever extending such a gift to me.  But, once I came to my right mind and determined the only way to approach this was to go all in…. I found that I still had to confront some old ghosts of the past. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked very hard over the years on bits and pieces of myself for a few reasons; 1) who really wants to live a bitter life?  2) the world isn’t just black or white – there is lots of gray – and every disappointment really wasn’t so much about me as it was about the one who did the betraying or what felt like betrayal at the time!  3)  although I had lost hope – I hadn’t really given up hope and wanted to be an asset (not a hindrance) should the opportunity ever present itself.    

LOVE ain’t a joke to plant, nurture and grow!

So, as I moved to become more comfortable with the concept of there being an “us” versus a “just me;” I found some stumbling stones of my own making (WTHIRGO – like this stuff isn’t hard enough without me creating more barriers).  See, I’ve been alone a long time and found the swift swings in my thoughts to be too much for the type of internal peace with no drama person I am. 

I also hesitate to mention the “goofies” I get when sitting with this man but… if I’m going to tell it I might as well get it all off my chest.  Before I know it or can stop it – I often hear myself telling him, “You are so cute; I like your hair; you have such a lovely color; I like your pretty eyes; you have a beautiful smile; blah, blah, blah (and to his credit – he takes all of that very well which I know is a big change in how he has previously known me).  But, I digress….

I somehow flipped my page from being open and waiting to receive (yup, I was running around stirring up pots and checking and rechecking my image in the mirror – almost combing my hair daily - smile) to asking myself if I really am worthy of this invitation and all it promises.  I was thinking, “Let’s face it chick– it really isn’t like your picking history is stellar by any means!”  The next line of negative self talk was in the form of “will I fit in and can I really offer all this man needs; what if I fail?”

Oh, I really worked myself up to a bona-fide tizzy!  So, if you know me you know the type of personality I have – right?  Sometimes, I have to be “dealt with and handled.” So, the brother, knowing me and being a very trusted friend– called me out on my own stuff!  (PHEW…. I’M TELLING YA’LL THE TRUTH…THIS IS CRAZY MAKING STUFF FOR TOI!) 

I thought about fighting and I thought about quitting/running but instead, I blabbered & blubbered all my concerns and fears to him (because I can and do trust this man). 

And without hesitation do you know what he said to me?  “You didn’t pick me; I’ve chosen you...  just let me love you.” 

(AWWW…. NOW…. D-A-Y-U-M-M-M!!!  Who gets this type of gift - right?)

Yes, I could stay in my previous failures and/or be paralyzed & stunted by my current mistakes or I can press forward with this man who has invited me to walk with him.  I now hear positive self talk reminding me that I’ve been redeemed.

And, if God Himself has forgiven me and this man chooses to love me – why cane myself?  I will fight my self-esteem dips and dives because…

I choose love…