A little while ago, one of my sister/friends was over to the house. We ended up in the kitchen where my 21 year old son joined us. At first, I wasn’t paying close attention to the topic of discussion between the two of them until I heard him questioning her about how long she and I had been friends and what made us friends despite a small age difference.
I listened in on their conversation at this point and thought that despite all the talking I do – I hadn’t done a very good job expressing why this sister/friend is so special to me.
I have a small group of sister/friendships that began when we were 11 years old (yep, I did the math too – 34 years). These women form some of the tribe that helped me raise my children and we’ve been “together” through every major event in one another’s life.
I have another sister/friend that I met when my son was 18 months old (yep, I did the math too – 19 ½ years). Others that make up my inner circle, I’ve known for more than 15 years. I’ve “known” the sister/friend that answered my son’s questions for the better part of 34 years but we only began a personal friendship in the last 10 or so years despite her being on my radar for more than 20 years. I’ve added new friends in the last 8 years and look forward to being able to make more as time continues.
RADAR
I love to people watch. I use to drive my mother crazy telling her stories about folks that were sitting at the table next to us or just walking by. Once I won her over to my story telling side, sometimes we would enjoy a half an hour or so sitting on the mall, eating funnel cakes (White Lakes Mall if you still remember that one) and watching people.
Let me tell you a kind of secret about me – ready? - I’m an introvert (I know you don’t believe me but it is true; you can check yourself out at http://www.blogthings.com/areyouanextrovertorintrovertquiz/).
I often hear that I’m a little difficult to read but I honestly think I’ve gone all out to be open and transparent (now you know another reason I live alone). My mother tells me I’m secretive and my daughter tells me I’m emotionally cold (she is a drama queen and I don’t have and will not be allowing her make me develop high blood pressure). My son and his friends often discuss which mother was the most “feared” as they were growing up and I usually (okay ALWAYS) win the award for not taking any mess off them.
Thus, I watch people. In my observations, I notice the gifts, talents, and skills in others that I just don’t have and doubt very seriously that I have the capacity to grow. Let me give you a few examples:
1. I have a friend that served in the military, raised her children, and has dedicated many years to working with youth and their families for the federal government. She likes to help folks. She has a wonderful sense of humor. She has been struggling for the last couple of years with some serious depression. She is one of the most courageous folks I know because despite the days she feels no hope she keeps pushing. She has kept her promise to us (her family and friends) and has not harmed herself even though there have been days when she didn’t trust herself so much. She told me a couple of weeks ago she’s had moments of hope and feeling like life is worth living and my soul screamed “GLORY, GLORY, GLORY.”
2. I have another friend that packed up and moved clean across the country with her child. She’s real smart and funny but she’s not easy to get to know so lots of folks have no idea what they’re missing by not getting to know her. She too is very courageous. I wouldn’t have the nerve to leave home with children because I would be leaving my supports; plus she and I giggle together a lot.
3. Another has been married for many years. She shares her hopes and dreams and always encourages me and my children to include coming to town to be present when she can. One of the other things she does is shares the sweetest stories about her spouse. These cute little clips help me to keep hope alive for love; plus we giggle together a lot and attempt to tease each other over edge.
4. My sister/friend lost her life’s mate close to 3 ½ years ago. His death was unexpected and really sent her into a tail spin that a number of other folks wouldn’t have had the fortitude to come back from. I know she still has rough moments (truth be told I too find myself crying over her/our loss). However, she has managed to keep holding on, encouraging their children/helping them meet their personal goals; and she’s about to finish up her Master’s degree. Even on the roughest of days, her conversation is positive and we giggle a lot together.
Now, this is just a small number of my friends. I haven’t discussed the one I call “The Healer” because of her ability to mediate large amounts of others’ pain while they gain their footing; or my mother (number one best giggling partner) who has spent the better part of her life raising children and is a very deep person as those that take the time to get to know her soon find out; or my daughter (2nd best giggling partner) who has made a nice life with her own little family before/during and after pursuing her educational goals; or my friend that told me long before I had to find out for myself that male black children require a different touch from girls and showed me that love doesn’t die even if ones beloved does; nor the friend that has her own business and keeps the kiddos for me while I work and gives me such peace that they are being well cared for and are safe to the point I can go to work and work without worrying about whether or not all the bases are for them are covered.
Now, I could go on and on but this is the deal; ALL of them (mentioned or not) have managed and maneuvered through profound kinds of losses; regained their stability,
SOME KIND OF WOMAN
What kind of woman can love a man;
Marry a man;
Give birth with that man;
Let that man go when he makes choices contrary to the best interest of his family?
Discover that man intended deeper levels of betrayal…
And continue to allow him his “place” as father in the lives of those babies born with him?
No, really now, what kind of a woman can hold her head up high as she brings to the “inside” the “outside” child – she hadn’t known until the bottom fell out – so that her children would know their sibling?
What kind of woman then creates such a safe place for the orphaned child of the other woman – offer “family” to the point that the youth stays connected enough to one day walk his older sibling down the aisle to be lawfully wedded and then is welcomed and encouraged to show off his children to the “family?”
What kind of woman, raises her children (more often than not while working two jobs, keeping them busy in school activities, making time to get to those activities to support and encourage her children) into fine young women who are hard working, gaining their college educations, rearing their own children and keeping their families together & offers support and guidance for the rearing of her first and now second grandchild?
What kind of woman reaches out to, cares about & goes to see about extended elderly relatives? And then wonders at the end of the day if she should have done more to offer friends and their extended family additional support?
I don’t have these deep capacities, but the friend my son visited with that evening is truly this kind of woman! She constantly takes my breath away with her ability to keep on moving and helping. She truly sees these acts as the right thing to do and not as a burden.
I realize I’ve formed the sisterhood/friendships that I have because those women add value to my life. I don’t have what they have but I sure would like to be as deep as they are; I want to be a better person when I think of them. Plus, as we know I don’t have what they have, I get excellent council and the opportunity to tap into their talents when I need them most.
As I begin to accept my time is winding down – I’m going to go all out to let these women know how much less bright my life would be without them. I encourage you to do the same with those most important in your life.
EDITED BY JILL-O-ME
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