I wrote the following about a year ago. It seems like the perfect time, in my life to share this especially as I awoke to these circumstances - again - on this very day! I can't help but feel that some days parenting is about winning and losing. You'll be glad to know that I continue to dream of winning...
I recently had a working lunch with a couple of friends. After solving all the problems in our work system, we moved on to quick updates regarding our personal lives. The topic turned to parenting dilemmas and the question was posed whether or not one of my lunch partners had gone overboard in dealing with the matter of “stealing” with her 5 year old.
They both looked at me – I guess because I’m the “alleged” professional in that area. I’ve raised a couple of birth children (and still have good relationships with them – smile); have taken part in the upbringing of other kiddos in our “family system” (and they still speak to me and talk about me in their general conversations with each other); I’ve had the privilege of being a step mother to an outstanding man/son/father/uncle/husband (I never would have thought the teenager that was driving me CRAZY would be such a lovely man); and I’ve foster parented and recently reconnect with the very first kiddo that lived with us (my other daughter). I’ve worked with children and families for a great many years and recently have been “gifted” the opportunity to start parenting all over again with my nieces and nephew (6, 5 & 3). Oh yeah, I’m also a grandmother.
I thought through the story of the “offense” and the punishment that was meted out to the 5 year old. Now, I’ve met this little 5 y/o and had to enter into negotiations with the said 5 year old kiddie. I want you to know - that kiddo ain’t no joke! The kid is so smart and logical that I thought about sweating when I was working out the deal. So, understanding the personality and temperament of the kiddo and the concern of the mother, I honestly thought the chosen course was a great one for them.
However, that evening I worried and worried that perhaps I had misspoken because I hadn’t taken into consideration whether or not the consequence fit the youth’s race and social class. However in the end, I remembered the true key to good parenting – you have to know and understand the child in front of you for the tools to work best. Everything doesn’t work with every child in the same way and if what is being offered or taken holds no value to that child – one is wasting their time.
It has to mean something to the child to have impact.
See, I too had been dealing with small thefts of candy, lip gloss, gum, etc… in my home by the band of merry bandits lead by the relentless 6 year old. I thought we were making progress in that area on the day of the lunch and only mentioned having thrown away all the candy and gum in the house (you would be surprised at how much candy people give little kids and to think I’ve been guilty of this myself) and the fact that they had no cavities in passing. But I learned over the holidays how very wrong I was as the nature of the missing items increased in number, mess and destruction.
In fact, I felt so broken and defeated (yes, by a 6, 5 & 3 year old – don’t act like this has never happened to you) that I had to go to bed early (and I’m already famous for being sleep before 10 pm) right before Christmas! I felt a total and complete failure and determined we had gotten WAY off our rhythm and routine.
I became more determined than ever to re-calibrate the natives to my voice and command. I had them MARCHING over the break and then we all got a break from each other when they stayed the weekend with our cousin (I told that girl I wouldn’t be taking any phone calls from her from the time I dropped them off to the time I picked them back up – good luck and God bless you ALL).
I thought we had turned the corner and was feeling upbeat the first morning the children were to return to school. I gave the normal speech of “please be on your best behavior, pay attention and pick up all the KNOWLEDGE from school, blah, blah, blah.” Only to have my bubble busted at 2:30pm when I got the call from the 6 year olds teacher indicating MY 6 year old had stolen her cell phone from a drawer in her desk.
I sent out the text to my girlfriend/child care provider (6 year olds property victim the previous week) and to my mother as they would be the first to see her and so we’d all had to be on one accord – NO LOOP HOLES!
The Relentless Six Year Old
The kiddo spent time in the time out chair; visited the police station and the county jail where she met with an officer and guard who explained to her how people who steal are processed; wrote “I will not steal” sentences; called family and friends to report what she had done so they would hear it from her and would know to monitor their things when she’s around; wrote apology letter to teacher; no snack and early bedtime.
However, she appeared to be un-phased by her actions and the consequences (she had a smile like a Cheshire cat). So I knew we were going to have to make the consequences more personal.
I lost a bit of sleep that night trying to figure out how to best reach “the relentless one.” I seriously considered stealing one shoe to each pair of her shoes but in the end decided that she would just consider herself setting the curve on a new style by wearing one shoe from two pairs. One of my co-workers said the one shoe would work if I took all the right foot shoes or all the left foot shoes (and I thought I had good strategy abilities).
I watched her slink around the following morning and my mind continued to maul over the dilemma. Half way through the morning the solution came to me. I placed a call to my son who carried out my instructions.
That evening, “the relentless one” was so upbeat – announcing the many ways she’d managed to follow all the rules during the day. We complimented her and kept the evening schedule rolling. She was the last to go and set out her clothes for the following day. When she went to get her clothing – she had none.
THAT IS RIGHT – I STOLE HER CLOTHES!
Why? Because “the relentless one” is a fashion diva and requires that her hair be combed to her specifications (or it’s an awful morning) and has been known to take up to 20 minutes on one item of clothing.
She couldn’t believe all of her things were gone. We eventually discussed how it feels to find one’s things missing and how she felt when she saw her things were gone. We helped her put into words how her teacher must have felt to find her cell phone gone.
We discussed what she would have to do if her clothing didn’t show up (wear the same clothes she’d worn that day). I really thought we were getting some internal work done! However, on her way to bed, over her left shoulder she asked me if her things would be back in the morning (it really sounded like “told”).
I had to follow through the following morning and allow “the relentless one” to wear those dirty clothes.
You will be glad to know that the kiddo continued with her usual flair; I heard her sniff the clothes and say, “don’t smell too bad.”
Our saga has continued – but for one day – brief as it was (and it was brief) –
I WAS THE WINNER!
